First College Orgy? Here’s Some Advice
First College Orgy? Here’s Some Advice
Say you’re a young man near the beginning of your college journey. An opportunity has arisen to partake in some unusual group activity, a miniature orgy of sorts, with a comely and eager female colleague and one or two of your fellow male students. Congratulations. College is the place to benefit from new experiences and make lifelong connections. Education is not confined to the classroom. However, don’t just dive in. There are some things you need to think about.
1) You Contain Multitudes
First of all, if the convivial romp immediately appeals to you, and you have not the slightest visceral misgivings, you may have learned something surprising about yourself: you are gay or bisexual. It’s 2026, and you will and should have no shame. But if you didn’t realize this before (and many people discover such facts about themselves at about this age) you know it now. It matters not if you sincerely intended to avoid physical contact, and even eye contact, with your fellow studs during the righteously heterosexual activities already screening on your mind’s iPhone. Your willingness to tolerate the presence of another penis in the room during a sexual act says it all.
2) Shut Up
You probably learned in high school that showing off the “A” you got on the test does not make you quite the object of admiration that you may have hoped. And yet the urge to parade our accomplishments can be hard to resist. In the matter at hand, resist it at all costs. Do not call, text, tweet, or in any way make known what is about to happen in this room to anyone outside this room, either before, during, or after. Keep the door locked and the noise, if at all possible, down. Consider this: if you fellows do your job right, and everyone ends up gloriously exhausted, and there is no gossip to deal with afterwards, the lady will return for more. You’ll have a good thing going, perhaps until graduation day. But if, with a whispered word, you make her the object of shame (we are still fundamentally Victorians), you’ve ruined everything. Keep it a delicious secret. Put it in your memoirs, using false names.
3) Be a Man
The involvement of alcohol, at the very least, is probable. Let’s be honest about this: psychoactive substances have a continuum of effects of legal and moral relevance to the initiation of any sexual contact. First there is a lowering of inhibitions, giving us the courage to do things we really wanted to do when sober, but were too uptight to go through with. The next day we’ll be glad that we did them. With further indulgence there is the impairment of judgement: the things we do now might cause us regret when we remember them. Then there is the loss of control and the alteration of personality: we are in danger of harming ourselves and others, committing acts that we would never commit in our right minds. Finally there is real physical impairment: partial paralysis, lack of awareness of surroundings, and outright unconsciousness. If we all desisted from carnal knowledge at the first stage, the species would be in danger of extinction. The second stage should give pause: do we really want our playmates to regret the encounter? Sex at the third stage is morally compromised and likely criminal. At the fourth stage, it is rape. Man or woman, what are our responsibilities? Τo ask ourselves: Is this good for the other person? Good in the moment, and good in the long term? That is the one law of the bedroom, to ask ourselves that. There is clarity here. We don’t need to measure fine gradations of intoxication. If in doubt, stop.
4) The Law Is Not Your Friend
Probably everyone’s wasted. Could be that judgement has left the building and funky things are going to happen that no one in the room would have done sober. Might still have been OK, except that someone violated (2) or (3) above, and now the authorities are nosing around. There is a question of consent, given the heavy ingestion of recreational drugs. But wait, you (young man) have read the relevant laws or school regulations and have discovered the symmetry that you believe will save you: the crime consists in sexual activity with an impaired person. And as it happens everyone has stipulated that you and your buddies were just as intoxicated as the woman. So she is equally guilty of committing sexual acts against an impaired person. If she has brought charges, surely she must drop them now, as by her own account she is as culpable as anyone else in the party. Whether she does or not, naturally the authorities must simply throw up their hands. Remember when I said that not all education happens in the classroom. Your lesson for today: the law as written matters very little. The D.A. will prosecute you, not her, because that will be the fashionable course of action. You are screwed.
5) It Always Comes Down to This
After many millennia, there’s still no better way to say it: If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it to someone else. I mean, if she wants something exotic, give it to her, even if you think you’d find it unpleasant yourself (despite point (1) above). This is to be interpreted in a general sense. Try to imagine that you care about her, even if you’ve just met. Make damn sure that it’s all good. If you’re unsure, ask yourself if you’d want your mother or sister treated the way you’re treating this woman (you need not envision this concretely—you know what I mean). A little voice inside your head will tell you if you’re compromising your own dignity or anyone else’s. Don’t let the lust and the booze drown out this voice. This voice is trying to help you.
Congratulations, again, on your first orgy. Follow these guidelines, and it should be a cherished experience, fondly remembered by all involved. You will recount it to your bright-eyed grandchildren, along with your first touchdown, your first love, the time you got drunk and woke up on the roof of the science building covered in papier-mâché, discovering the poetry of Rilke, etc. Ah, to be young again.
