As many of you know, here at UHI we have been working on a new, revolutionary web browser for several years.
The UHI human interaction research group has been intensively studying a pervasive problem facing users of the web: the problem of tabs. How to organize them, preserve them, keep track of them. We have carefully considered the pros and cons of various approaches offered by different browsers, and by extensions: tab trees, second rows of tabs, vertical tabs, 3D tabs, musical tabs, you name it.
None of them were good enough.
Because they all share the same fatal flaw: they all allow the user to close a tab, losing track of a page and the valuable or embarrassing information on it, perhaps forever.
Sure, there is the browser history. But only the most advanced users even know that that exists. We wanted to create a web browser for normal people with normal problems, not craft beer swilling Haskell programmers. We wanted to create a web browser for you.
First of all, the PermaTab Browser is based on Blink, the same rendering engine that powers all the best browsers, including Google’s ubiquitous Chrome. So the PermaTab Browser will work on any website, even those created by developers who use all the latest, non-standard features, and know there is no reason to test their sites on lesser browsers—because monopolies are better than standards.
But the standout feature of the PermaTab Browser is…and maybe you’ve guessed this already…that you can not close any tab. They are…permanent.
That’s right. This way, there is no danger of losing anything. The days of wondering where you saw that thing are gone. Whether it’s the Wikipedia page about group theory or the nine pages about treating genital warts that a friend opened when he borrowed your computer, they will all be there, in your face, forever.
Here is a screen shot from our user testing labs, showing the PermaTab Browser window after a few days of normal use. You can see that there is still plenty of room for content.
Advanced tracking for your benefit
We know what you’re thinking. What if I change computers or operating systems? Will all my tabs be gone? How, indeed, can the PermaTabs be permanent?
The solution to this problem is our proudest achievement.
Obviously cookies were not going to cut it. Even the so-called super-cookies would not be good enough. And user accounts would not work either: you could lose your account information, or, perhaps, suffer a mental health issue that leads you to resist logging in to retrieve your tab collection.
To solve this problem, UHI has developed the new technology of behavioral fingerprinting. Here’s how it works: suppose, after amassing a valuable collection of thousands of tabs, your computer explodes and you get a new one. All your cookies, everything: it’s all gone. You install a fresh copy of the PermaTab Browser, or one of the many competing browsers that will have licensed our PermaTab technology. At first, you are starting fresh. How depressing. But, after just minutes, suddenly all your old tabs reappear! How is this possible?
Artificial intelligence, that’s how. You can not hide who you are. Our massive computers store a record of the habits of each user: how you type, how you move the mouse—your individual rhythms—as well as what sites you visit, how long you spend on certain pages, how you scroll, your style for search queries….and more. After, usually, less than a half hour of browser time, our algorithms will have identified you, and your entire collection of tabs—which we also store on our servers, of course—will be restored. Poof! You’re back in business, warts and all. You’re welcome!
Long Term Support
What happens when you run out of space for tabs? No problem! We’ve partnered with a leading manufacturer of monitor stands to create an infinitely extensible, super-strong support that should last you a lifetime. When you need more space, just add another monitor! You are only limited by your ceiling height.
The PermaTab Monitor Stand will be available at all decent office supply stores and from Amazon shortly after the public release of the PermaTab Browser.
How Can this Miracle be Free?
The cost to you for the ultimate browser technology will be zero dollars. How can we afford this? Well, how can Google afford to take such good care of you without charging you a penny? We know who you are. We have a permanent record of every site you have ever visited. Use your imagination!
But that’s not all. We need to squeeze every possible dollar out of our relationship with you, our product. That means advertising directly to you. But we know how much you hate creepy, obtrusive advertising. That’s why, instead of putting crude banners across your favorite web pages, we subtly alter their text, instead, inserting innocent but profitable messages where you would never expect them. And, best of all, we do this undetectably, with no intervention needed from you, for your convenience.
Welcome to the Future
Finally, the age-old problem of tab management has been solved. Welcome to our world. Welcome to the future of web browsing.